Big Apple, Bite 2

I head to NYC tomorrow for Book Expo America, the largest publishing event in North America. Our booth will unveil our major new fall release and the sophomore edition of last year's blockbuster (still atop the Bookscan bestseller list, I must add.)

If you're going to be there, stop by the Reader's Digest booth and ask for me. Or, download my video to your crackberry and stalk me in the autograph lines.

I'm looking forward to dinner on Friday night at Bolo, a Bobby Flay restaurant. Spanish food. Tapas. What more could a gastric bypass girl ask for?

One of the nights, I hope to catch a Broadway show. And Sunday I'll be visiting The Metropolitan Museum of Art and hopefully the "Barcelona and Modernity" exhibit. Did you know I was an art history major in college? Lotta good that's done me!

I will finally get to spend some time with my dear friend, Steven, before heading back next week Wednesday. The laptop and digital camera are both going with me. I'll post if I get a chance.

BTW, today's Protein Feast went ok. I shake in the a.m., then salad with turkey and cheese for lunch and dinner. Popsicles tonight. Oh, and two protein bars. I'm hoping to shed another pound at my weigh-in tomorrow morning. I'm still tracking the ups and downs through the Physics Diet. I love that site!

Protein Feast

Too many crackers and too much nibbling over the weekend moved that scale upward, so yesterday and today and self-declared PROTEIN FEAST DAYS!

My meals consist of protein shakes. In between, lots of water. And for extras, carrots, fat-free dip and peanut butter.

I know. Not something I want to do every day, but something that will get me back on track. I leave tomorrow for NYC for a week and I will not be eating as I normally would that entire time. This is a good bridge for me.

And speaking of protein shakes, my new fave is from Cytosport, Muscle Milk Light RTD Chocolate Mint. I found four-packs for $4.99 in Michigan at a Meijers. I heard Walgreen's has them, too.

Weekend wrap-up

Made it home yesterday mid-afternoon. Sunday was much more fun than Saturday! Wine and a hot tub made up for the lack of coffee. Smaller crowd of people was more relaxing for me. And I swung on a tire swing for the first time in my life. Of course, the kids laughed their tiny tushes off as I whipped around the pole, hanging on for my life. I managed to sit on top of the tire and inside of the tire. I wish I had a photo.

Family Time

I survived.

Talk about BIG family. And loud. But friendly and fun.

I had a great conversation with Rose's brother's girlfriend, another "outsider". I got a chance to talk to some of the nieces I'd heard so much about. I saw a lot of things that explain why Rose is they way she is. And someone at the house even made a mean pot of coffee. Of course I was going to love them.

Rose is heading back to see the family today. I'm going to either go into Grand Rapids or drive down to Muskegon. (I'm sure I saw a Starbucks there.)

And I need a decent meal. I've been living on cheese, crackers, turkey pepperoni and sun chips. I need green. Or a big piece of meat.

I also need to do a little walking. I popped tylenol all day yesterday to ease the throbbing in my upper body from Friday's early AM workout. Holy crap was I sore. It's a little better today, but I feel like I need to do something to smooth out the pain. There's always wine, but it's a long drive back to Milwaukee tomorrow.

Coffee Wasteland

Fremont, Michigan, is a coffee wasteland. The hotel coffee is Maxwell House and is served in styrofoam cups.

I was tempted to stop at McD's for a cuppa, but I'm on my
"NO McDONALDS" kick. And that includes coffee.

I finally found the one coffeehouse in the city. I got a latte from the Koffee Kup Cafe (why didn't they just call it Kafe?) and then needed to get an extra double espresso shot.

Good thing I bought a four-pack of Starbuck's Light Iced Coffee from the Super Wal-Mart. It'll do in a pinch.

Up and at 'em!

I'm up early this morning. Earlier than usual. It must be the anticipation about my first pre-workday work out with the trainer. I head to the studio for a 6:45 work-out, then into the office.

Short day today as this is D-DAY (departure day). We're leaving mid-afternoon to get stuck in Chicago traffic on our way to some dinky town called Fremont in Michigan's lower peninsula. Why, you ask. Because I'm meeting the not-so-lawful in-laws for the first time.

Although Rose and I are coming up on 13 years of almost domestic bliss, I've yet to meet most of her family. The ones I have met have fallen in love with me immediately, of course. But the ones I haven't? Well, there's a reason why I haven't met them yet.

I come from a small close-knit family. She comes from a huge clan with sisters older than my parents and nieces older than her. She's got a bazillion great-great-great nieces and nephews. And from what I understand, they're all loud. And not my family.

In the past, I have had big issues going into huge crowds of strangers. I feel insecure, awkward, self-conscious. I don't know if this will be any different. I know they know things about me that I don't know about them. And I know that ALL know that I'm the bitch that left Rose a year ago to strike out on her own and then came crawling back. (Ok, so I'm GUESSING this is what they think.)

I'm just ambivalent about the whole trip. I'm sure it will be fine. But the driving will suck. The food will be a challenge (I can only pack so many protein bars). I pray the hotel at least has free HBO.

Worse case scenario? I guess I could end up having fun and want to go back once a month for family time.

New feature on this blog

In the right hand column, I've added a nifty little recipe feature from Taste of Home magazine. It will have a new recipe everyday, plus it offers a quick link to the recipe finder.

Not all the recipes you'll find there will be appropriate for post-WLS folks. So if you find one you want to try and would like some hints on making it WLS-friendly, send it to me and I'll do a redo for you! I may not be a registered dietitian, but I do eat and love to cook.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

A great benefit to WLS for me has been the ability to process my emotions and communicate them to other people. I'd never been good at talking about my feelings. I let things eat at me while I ate everything in sight. Now that I can't eat everything in sight, I have to deal with emotions.

But my dealing with them isn't always easy for other people. I understand that when people hear my thoughts that it could be confusing for them. Unexpected. Maybe even terrifying. So I also try to couch my feelings in appropriate language. I feel, I sense, I think, I see...

Even so, I still feel like I'm damned if I share and damned if I don't. I haven't yet learned how to react to people when their reaction to me is not what I expected or is the result of not hearing my intentions. I sometimes end up feeling even worse about a situation than I did before initiating conversation. I just want to retract everything I've said and walk away from them. And eat a cookie.

Then I'm back where I started: eat food to stuff down emotions. Shit. It just plain sucks and I feel so ill-equipped to deal with it. I wish I could shut down and walk away like I used to. But being present in my life doesn't allow it. What's a girl to do?

No Limit Pork

I'm back from a quick trip to Atlanta. Down south, those folks know barbecue. And all around the Atlanta area, you'll see Sonny's Real Pit Bar-B-Q restaurants. This weekend, they all sported marquee signs that read: NO LIMIT PORK $7.99. It cracks me up. Sliced or Pulled. No limit pork. Not all you can eat or care to eat or even unlimited. No limit pork.

Speaking of limits, I bought a new book that I'm eager to finish reading and then review. "The Rules of Normal Eating" by Karen Koenig sounds cliche, but a few pages into it, a light bulb went on for me. I realized that I have never understand normal because no one ever explained it to me. I've got a lot to think about on this topic, but I'll report back.

I spent time in Atlanta with my friend who's considering RNY gastric bypass surgery. In order to give her the space and privacy she deserves, I don't want to divulge too much. But we actually spent some time together in a therapist's office discussing issues related to the surgery. And I walked out with insights of my own. More to come on that, as well.

Thanks for all the emails about my last post. I love fan (and hate) mail. Send it all. Link under my video at right.

What every WLS patient needs to know

Sometimes it pains me to read posts on message boards from newly post-op RNY patients. I spent so much time before surgery reading about what I was going to experience and asking questions in my support groups, that I felt totally prepared for the physical effects of my surgery. (Okay, the psychological effects were another story.)

So here are my observations for those considering RNY gastric bypass.

1.) You will plateau. And it will happen sooner than you expect or want. Two weeks post-op seems to be pretty common. And it doesn't mean that your surgery failed. It simply means that your body needs to catch up to the traumatic changes and stabilize a bit after losing that first wad of fat.

2.) You will feel hungry. It's not your stomach talking; it's your head. And you don't have to listen to it. Don't eat until you think you're full, because you won't feel full for a couple of months. Your nerves have to heal. So measure your food. Be diligent about it. Buy a decent scale. And stop freaking out.

3.) Don't tempt fate. You may--or may not--dump on sugar. Why do you want to find out? Keep it out of your mouth as long as you can. There's a reason why it helped you get fat in the first place.

4.) If your doctor says liquid, do liquid. If your doctor says puree, do puree. Who cares what other people are doing? They are not living in your body and they likely didn't choose the same surgeon you did. You--or your insurance company--paid good money for the doctor you got. Why waste it? Listen to your doctor, not some chick who has nothing better to do than sit on a message board for 10 hours a day.

5.) You're the boss of you. Take responsibility for your food plan. Don't whine when you go out and can't find food to eat. Duh. Take it with you. Or take the time to learn what you can eat. Study menus before you go into a restaurant. Buy the groceries you can eat.

6.) You are not an island. Your surgery affects most everyone around you. Understand that it's just as of a change for the people in your life as it is for you. So be willing to consider how your changes affect them. It may not always be for the better. But that's what we get--and you won't know it until you go through it.

7.) If you think you're going to have this surgery and the only thing in your life that's going to change is the shape of your body, you're sadly mistaken. Everything is going to change. Even how it feels to sleep in your own bed when you no longer fit in the dent left by your morbidly obese body. Even how you pee and wipe your ass. How you deal with that change--embrace it or reject--is solely your responsibility. Your first and most important step is to simply accept that responsibility.

I could probably go on. And maybe I will later. Feel free to add your two cents worth.

No pain, no gain

Ah, my muscles ache. Wednesday night we worked the upper body and this morning I really feel it. My pecs are tingling, that muscle running down the back of my upper arm is singing and my shoulders have a warm burn a brewin'. God, I love the feeling!

Seriously, I do. This is a whole new phase in body awareness for me. It took me so long to get in touch with my body as a whole in those early stages post-op. Now it's like I'm getting to know each individual part. Hello, Ms. Tricep, it's nice to feel you kick my ass.

Just like I marveled at how the outside of my body was changing, I'm amazed at what's going on beneath the skin. Hey, it's only been a week, so there's really no outward sign of growing lean muscle. But I'm loving feeling them at work. It's a new level of control for me. And I'm all about control.

Delicious Dining after WLS

So I spend my days reading recipes. Editing recipes. Writing about recipes. I have over 40,000 recipes at my disposal for perusing. And every now and then I run across some, like Maple Salmon with Mushroom Couscous that I MUST try for myself.

If anything I've learned post-op, it's that any recipe can be modified to suit my nutritional needs. With this recipe, for example, I substitute sugar-free maple syrup. I skip the couscous. And I load up on veggies. Well, load up on anything as well as someone with a stomach the size of an egg can load up on.

I love changing recipes. I read them and I get ideas for what I can do to make them lighter, heavier in protein, lower in carbs, etc. The things I've learned about food from reading recipes all day is amazing.

I think I'd really enjoy a job where I could reformulate recipes for bariatric patients. I see some cookbooks that people put together and they are just crap. Especially the ones circulating on WLS support boards. Crap. Crap. Crap. And unimaginative, too.

Maybe I'll do my OWN cookbook some day with my OWN recipes. And not one of them will be for lame-ass protein shakes or protein balls.

Work out musings

Is it normal to want to puke after working out? And for post-op WLS people, should I feel like I have a softball lodged below my ribs on the left side...or do I have a hernia I'm going to make worse?

My first motorcyle ride

I just got back from my first motorcycle ride. During lunch, I walked over to the mall (about 1.25 miles) and my friend Cheri drove over on her bike and picked me up as I was walking back.

It was awesome! I feel great from the walk and exhilerated from the short ride. I can't wait to do it again!

Just imagine...me on the back of a bike. Check another goal off my list of thinner must-dos!

Housekeeping

I added a link below my shameless plug to my Amazon store. Thanks to the loyal fan who bought Everyday Light Meals. Now buy more!

A bigger thanks to Lux, the mystery poster a couple days ago who pointed me to the Physics Diet. It's perfect for my scale-focused maintenance becuase it gives me an excuse to weigh once a day. And I found that I am NOT getting on the scale at other times. That's a big step for me.

My blog redesign is in the works. I have no flippin' clue what I'm doing. And I'm an editor, not a graphic designer. So if anyone wants to make me a cool blog template in exchange for a free plug and link on this site, shout out. In the meantime, everyone's going to have to bear with me as I tinker.

Some people have asked about more videos from me. Well, when I have a reliable camera that doesn't also have a lot of white noise and when that same camera also doens't make me look like shit, I'll make some more. I've got some production notes handy. It will be worth the wait.

I just ate a cupcake

And I don't feel guilty.

Why? Because I already have 20 gm of protein in me for the day, plus another 30 ounces of fluid. Because I was fully aware of what I was doing. Because I ate it for the taste of it...not to soothe some worry, alleviate stress or calm some emotional upheavel.

It was delicious, too.

So, what do you think?

A blog redesign of my own doing. I'm sure my page source looks like a hacked up mess, but I'm not a professional. Thoughts?

Scaled back

I realized that other night that I could be in trouble. When the personal trainer told me that I should expect to gain 4-5 pounds in lean body muscle, I was kind of happy, but kind of freaked out.

I am so focused on the numbers on the scale because I really rely on it to help me maintain my weight and stay on track. I need to have the daily reminder of up or down or the same to keep me in balance. But if the scale number starts to go up, will I freak out like I did over the bunny cake?

How will I handle it -- can I handle it -- when the number is a higher one than what I'm used to seeing? What kind of a tizzy will I be facing?

I wish there was a scale that reported weight not by number but by sound or signal. It could average out my weight over a period of days. If it goes up more than a certain amount, it will flash one color. If it goes does considerably, another color. And it would be cool if I could set a weight range that was tolerable. Say, 2 pound up or down was ok within a certain period. More than that, an alarm sounds.

Maybe I'm dreaming. But if anyone know of something like this, let me know. I want one. And if there isn't one, I call dibs on the patent.

ADDENDUM:

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions. My fear is that because I've already lost so much weight, it's relatively stable and my size has been the same for four months now, I'm not going to really see a difference. What if all I have left is sagging skin and withered muscles. What if I do gain muscle weight but have no fat weight left because the extra just ain't going anywhere until it's snipped and tucked?

I'm check out Physics Diet. Thanks for the referral, Lux. I think that will work for me because I do weigh myself everyday. It's my main tool for maintenance. I don't expect weight loss at this point. I just want to be in the same plus/minus four pound range. God save me if it becomes plus 10.

Day 2

Did I mention that I thought I'd be sore yesterday? Understatement. A double dose of Tylenol couldn't take the edge off the searing pain in my thighs. And this morning, it burns.

But I'm going back to the trainer today for a fitness assessment and to probably turn over a sum of money equal to the selling price of a 2001 Hyundai Accent. If I can walk up the flight of stairs to the office.

Getting Fit

I had an appointment with a personal trainer last night. This morning, I am SORE!

I've wanted to implement an excercise program for a while, even tried a health club once. But I can't get over people watching my skin jiggle. I look normal in almost any setting, except in a gym where my gelatinous stomach and rippled arms sway in the breeze of my sweat.

So this place has one trainer for one client in a private suite. I liked the attention. I liked feeling as though I was learning something. I even liked the pulling, tingling, tired feeling in my muscles at the end of the night.

But, dang, it's expensive. $58 a session. Three sessions a week. We're talking big bucks that I know I'm worth...just reluctant to spend.

Do you think it's worth it? I know for a fact that if I sign up for a gym membership, I will not use it. If I sign up for a gym membership and pay for a personal trainer on top of that, I'm still looking at a significant chunk o' change...and no privacy. Oh, and this place even gives youf ree water and bananas. Hot damn.

Should I do it? I want to do it. It's just the money. If anyone wants to send me some money to help make my decision easier, by all means, please do. I'll even give you my home address.

Have you gone the personal trainer route? Did it help? How was it different? TELL ME!

Buy My Book

It's my blog. I'll shamelessly plug my books if I want to. Everyday Light Meals is available this week, so buy it NOW...right over there on the right.

While not necessarily WLS-friendly, it does pull together a bunch of meal ideas that can be modified by portion or ingredient to fit your eating plan. If you're challenged in this area, it's a great start to partnering main dishes and sides or salads or desserts.

The front half of the book contains 93 meals. The back half of the book has extras to mix and match. Every recipe has nutritional facts included, plus icons for quick reference.

I'm pleased with how the book turned out. It not only looks nice (thanks to my kick-ass art director, Lori Arndt), it also has great recipes. I didn't put a recipe in this book that I wouldn't eat myself. I promise.

Go buy it. If you don't like it, return it.

What I'm afraid of today...

A friend of mine is considering RNY gastric bypass surgery, the same procedure I underwent in August 2005.

She’s seen my successes at weight loss and the changes for the better in my personality. She also knows my struggles, both before and after surgery. And because she’s an educated, intelligent, free-thinking woman, I know she will make the right decision for herself.

I can’t help but feel, though, that I need be successful for her. I feel the pressure. It’s self-imposed, I know, because she would never, ever expect me to keep off the weight for her.

She and I both realize that you can gain back weight. You can screw up your own surgery with bad food choices and by not dealing with all those issues that get us to that point of desperation to begin with. We are always one bite away from an extra hundred pounds.

It’s just that it would SUCK if I started to gain back weight and in five years end up fatter than when I started. It happens. Frequently. I just don’t want it to be me.

I don’t want it to be me because I don’t want to have to look back and think that I sold my friend a bad bill of goods. And I don’t want to be an indicator, barometer or any sort of measure of her potential for success. I don't want to pave for failure either.

For every one of me that there is in this world of post-op bariatric patients, there’s another that hasn’t been as lucky as me. I don’t want my luck to run out. And maybe, regardless of whether or not my friend has surgery, the point is that I don't want ANYBODY watching if or when I fail.

Inside, Outside. Upside down?

I had a long phone conversation with a friend last night. We’ve known each other for 20 years, weathering fluctuating body weights, jobs, relationships and careers together. We’ve literally known each other at our best and at our worst.

During my weight loss this last (and final) go-round, I’ve visited my friend four times. She’s seen the transition. And she’s seen my website, so she knows I do not look like my former self. Yet, she told me last night that when we are on the phone, she still has the “old” me in her mind’s eye.

And that got me thinking…or realizing. In my mind’s eye, I see the current version of myself. When I close my eyes and think about who I am and what I look like, I see the person I am today.

That’s a huge shift in perception for me. Not more than six months ago, I still saw Fat Jen. I’d only catch glimpses of Skinny Jen as I walked past mirrors or windows. Even when I looked at pictures of Thinning Jen, I saw Fat Jen. Now, I look at pictures of Thinking Jen and realize that she’s heavier than Skinny Jen.

I think what has facilitated this change in perception has been the stabilization of my weight. As I posted earlier, I have weighed roughly the same since August. Seeing the same exterior day in and day out has given my head a chance to catch up with body.

No wonder people who don’t see me on a daily basis have a hard time of it. I remember about six months out from surgery how Rose would tell me that she would lose me in stores, even though I was standing just a few feet away. She was looking for someone that wasn’t there.

Recognizing internal change is harder than recognizing external change. But I wonder now if accepting internal change is easier than accepting external change. Maybe appearance really is everything…or a bigger part than many of us are willing to admit.